remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
