I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
