I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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