I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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