you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
