im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
