I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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