how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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