nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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