the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
