are you so shy because you have an std?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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