Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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