Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
