i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
