Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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