Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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