last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
