I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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