Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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