My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
