Your dad touched me again.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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