I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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