I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
