Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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