Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
