She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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