I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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