I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
