It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
