The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
