I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I have already put on my inside pants.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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