All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
