there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
