so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
