Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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