My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize