I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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