Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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