I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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