So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
