As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize