i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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