where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
the raccoons are back...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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