she woke up with a sticky ear
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
