apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
