I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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