May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
