If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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