i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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