Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
