Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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