At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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