Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
