when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's shark week go big or go home
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize