Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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